Gone

Regarding Facebook's New Changes

The Roomie:  How do I make this go away?  NO!  I don't want you!  Go away!

Yours Truly:  Tell it you don't want to sleep with it.  It will go away.  I promise.

The Truth Comes Out

Yours Truly:  So, apparently when we're drunk, The Roomie and I are thieves and vandals.

Co-Worker:  You're also kind of assholes.

Big

Yours Truly:  So, apparently, his house isn't over four thousand square feet.  Its just over two thousand square feet.

The Roomie:  He's doing to his house what most boys do to their penises! 

Being Girls

*Roomie humming a tune*

*Me picking up where she left off*

Roomie:  You know what that is, right?  When I hum it at work, people look at me like I'm crazy. 

Me:  Of course I know what it is.  It's Indiana Jones.  Or, Star Wars.  ...You know, if there were a boy here, I'd get punched in the face. 

Texting

Between myself and The Stress Reliever:

Stress Reliever:  You need a ride?

Me:  YOU need a ride.  I'm like a camel, babe.  I can go for months.  But oh, you probably meant a CAR ride.  Yes, I would like one of those.  Please and Thank you.

Stress Reliever:  AHH!  You stole my joke! 

Plenty O' Disappointments

I've been on POF more times than I care to admit (where I join, poke around, make some connections, and then mysteriously disappear), so I consider myself somewhat knowledgeable about the crop of men who frequent the site and the abounding 'mistakes' they make.  (I'm sure that women make them too, but I can't see my competition unless I make up a fake profile claiming to be a lesbian.  But I would never do that.)  Because I have been on the site more than once and repeatedly see these mistakes, I am going to point them out.  Also, for the men, it means possiby getting to date this cranky bitch.

What not to do on POF:

• post a picture of your pet(s).  I get it; he/she is your best friend* and you love that dog/cat/lizard/snake/bird as if it was your own flesh and blood.  Wonderful and amazing that you found a connection with something that not only is not human but also doesn't speak our language (unless it's the language of love), but I am not here to date your pet.   

• post a picture of your car.  Great that you drive, because I don't, but I really don't give a shit what you drive, so long as it gets you from point A to point B.  Or, from where you are to where I am.  Also, may I add, that this goes against every guy's complaint that girls are only into you for your money/car.  (The thinking among some girls is the nicer the car, the richer the dude, the more spoiled she'll be and the greater social status she will acquire.)  You want girls to stop looking to you for your money and what you can do for her?  Stop posting pictures of your Audi/BMW/jacked up Ford Escort. 

• post a picture of your kid.  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  WTF.  I am now of the age where dating someone with a kid is more of a likelihood than it was when I was 20, so I understand that you want to let women know that you come with a mini me, but letting someone into this area of your life, without even a how do you do?  There's nothing funny to say about this one because it's just weird and wrong. 

• post a picture of your physique.  Not just a picture of you topless (or bottomless, in some photos), but those ones taken in the reflection of your bathroom mirror with all the toothpaste spit stains on there?  1) I like a little mystery.  If I really like you, I'm not going to freak out if I see that you only have one and a half ab (and that's only because you laugh so hard).  One can also tell under the shape of a t-shirt or button down whether or not someone is in good shape.  Let's leave it at that, kay?  2) It's shallow - not only for you to post it, but for the girls that are going to check it out and only send a message or reply because of said muscles.  Unless you're just looking for a deeply superficial relationship. 3)  It's gross.  Clean your mirror.

• post a group picture and then not caption it to tell us which one you are.   Especially ineffective if it's halloween. 
  
• neglect the spell check button.  Fail to capitalize.  Forsake proper punctuation.  You know what?  If you don't know the difference between lose/loose, crawl back under that rock and stay there.  

* I find it depressing when someone says their best friend is their pet.  Who knocks the phone out of their hand when drunk dialing?